UTIs — everyone’s heard of them, and the majority of women have dealt with them. The thought of a UTI itself is enough to send you into sheer and utter panic and revert you into the fetal position.
This is something that unites all women across the land. It doesn’t matter if you’re thick, thin, tall, short, the nicest person in the world or the biggest bitch on the planet — if you have a vagina, you’re susceptible.
Sure, you can take cranberry pills to “promote” urinary tract health, but I’d rather save my $12/month for the overpriced salad I eat for lunch on a daily basis.
Before we delve any further into this lovely topic, let’s take a look at a definition from the twisted minds over at Urban Dictionary:
Get the picture? Good, now we can move along. There are a unique set of struggles females can all relate to during this trying period of time, and today I’m going to break them down for you.
There really isn’t anything you can do to pass the time while suffering, so maybe a little laughter will help soften your mood.
1. Wanting to blame your boyfriend for a problem he most likely caused, but can’t fix
Is it his fault for giving this to you? Honestly, it’s your body, but when you are withering in pain, it’s much more cathartic to blame someone else.
I mean, you had sex at 3 am after a heavy night of drinking — no one’s going to remember to pee right after. All you both want to do is get the f*ck to sleep.
2. Why is it necessary to go into a doctor’s office?
You wake up and you immediately know — it’s that dreaded time in your life, you have a UTI. You wait as patiently as you can for the clock to strike 9 am so you can call your doctor for a prescription.
You pick up the phone to call, only to be greeted by the receptionist’s condescending tone, “Are you sure it’s a UTI? Do you have time to drop off a urine sample?”
I’m not sure what world you’re living in honey, but when you know, you know. The F you need a sample for? Just call in the prescription and free me from this misery.
3. You drink enough cranberry juice cocktail to supply an open bar
Opting for cranberry juice cocktail is a mistake far too many people make when it comes to UTIs. PSA: This is not the same thing.
4. You can’t wrap your mind around the fact that medicine isn’t over the counter
Which just brings us back to the condescending doctor’s office receptionist. Can’t you just put Cipro next to the cranberry pills and call it a day?
5. Researching DIY methods has become a favorite pastime
You will believe absolutely anything you read on the Internet when it comes to a UTI. And the more ridiculous it sounds, the more likely you are to try it.
6. Having to admit to your gyno that you have another one yet again
“How many times do I have to tell you to pee after sex!!!!!” Jeez woman, if I wanted to be lectured, I’d call my dad. Actually, I wouldn’t… especially about this.
7. The 15-minute morning debate of whether or not it’s a plausible excuse to skip work
Which just brings us to…
8. Fingers crossed HR is a woman
Shout out to female HR employees everywhere. Hopefully, she is understanding and gives you no hassle on taking a personal day.
9. The sunrise in the toilet is prettier than the actual sky
Ladies, I know you feel me on this one. Men, if you dared to open this, I’ll spare you. You’re welcome.
10. Buying an entire aisle of CVS products that don’t even work
It takes a solid 24 hours for the antibiotics to kick in, so you spend the entire day shoving absolutely anything and everything CVS sells to try and relieve your pain. Keyword: try.
11. Your coworkers definitely notice the 15 times you try to pee an hour
Again, emphasis on the try.
12. You can’t even focus on sex because you’re so paranoid
Your UTI may have cleared up a week ago, but for some reason, it’s the only thing you can focus on when you get to have sex again.
I don’t care how good someone’s performance is, the pain you just suffered through will triumph that every damn time.
13. You’re officially terrified of giving birth
If this pain is so unbearable, imagine how it feels to push a human out of that region.
14. There is nothing you would rather do than hold yourself and cry in a ball
This is the best home remedy you can think of.
15. Trying to explain it to a guy makes him think you have an STD
Any time you use initials around your vagina, a guy immediately thinks you have some sort of STD.
16. Having to ask that bitch you hate in the office for cranberry pills
“I know you are secretly happy I am suffering, but can you please STFU and hand me the damn pills?”
17. Peeing immediately after sex only to wake up with one anyway
You did everything you were supposed to, yet you still got f*cked — and not in a good way.
18. Alcohol is your arch-nemisis
No drink is worth having when you are suffering because that will only make the irritation worse. That and the fact that it decreases the effectiveness of your medicine.
19. Your UTI-guru is the only person you speak to all day
Every girl has that one friend who doubles as her gynecologist. She has had her fair share of UTIs, which clearly makes her the pro of the group.
You will update this person throughout the progression and recovery of your UTI, and she will listen and embrace it.