There’s absolutely nothing overreactive or dramatic about calling a guy out on ghosting or being upset that he disappeared in the first place. You shouldn’t be embarrassed that you care, and you want to make sure that you’re not embarrassed about being wrong later. There’s ghosting, and then there’s the appearance of ghosting — when someone just doesn’t get back to you because they got tied up. That’s why it’s so important to call out the person who ghosted you politely: It gives you the upper hand and allows you to stand up for yourself without being written off as dramatic. If you’re incorrect about him having ghosted you, you will feel like you were in the wrong. Plus, being polite makes sure that your message will really sink in. Calling out the person who ghosted you politely gives them opportunity to apologize while also cleansing yourself of the negative energy you might carry from the experience.
When you’re confronting someone who disappeared on you, you want to make sure that that is exactly what happened before voicing how unacceptable it is. Do not allow the hurt or embarrassment you might feel to influence the tone of your confrontation. You want to stay cool, calm, and collected, while also articulating your feelings. This person is not worth your time and energy if they won’t give their time and energy to you; it doesn’t say anything about your worth or value. But by calling them out, you can make sure that they don’t ghost the next person who comes along.
If you want to call out someone for ghosting without being a jerk about it, start with this.
1. Checking In
This is assuming that your ghost wasn’t a no-show on concrete plans and that the amount of communication between you has trickled off. Maybe you agreed to see one another again after the first date, only to never hear from them. Maybe you are assuming they are ghosting because you simply haven’t texted first or they didn’t respond to your last text message.
Look, mistakes happen. Sometimes, I forget to respond to my closest friends. People get caught up at work. They go out of town on business trips. They have family emergencies. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that they just haven’t gotten back to you. So a simple, non-committal follow up, like “Hey, how are you doing? I was wondering whether you got my last message?” is non-accusatory and also gives them the opportunity to respond without feeling like they need to defend themselves.
Then, give them 24 hours to respond. Believe it or not, not every single millennial is glued to their phones. If you text them during the day, then it would make sense if they didn’t respond while at work. You don’t want to be calling out a person on ghosting when they actually forgot their phone at home. Wait a day to make sure that they’re actually dead to you.
2. Be Honest And Keep It Short
Your call out should focus on your feelings. They’re not a villain, so don’t start off with the insults you might like to. Ghosts are actually normal people. They just aren’t worried about the consequences of talking to or having sex with somebody. They probably didn’t mean to hurt you by disappearing. They probably weren’t thinking of you at all. So when you call out your ghost, you want to make sure that they realize that you are a real person and their actions (or non-actions) have consequences.
Hurling off a bunch of insults at your ghost might make make you feel good at first, but it’s kind of an empty feeling if you don’t get a response. And if they do respond, you’ll probably feel like they are vilifying you. Don’t give them that ammunition.
A simple message that conveys the honesty of your feelings will have a cleansing power for you. Even if they don’t write back, it will probably evoke an emotional response in them. Here’s a sample message you can tweak to suit your feelings:
Hey, you should know that I feel hurt/disrespected/dismissed because you ghosted on me. The polite thing to do would have been to simply tell me that you weren’t interested in seeing me again. Leaving me or anyone wondering is worse. I know you’re not a bad person, so I hope you don’t do this to the next person you meet.
Let them know exactly how their ghosting made you feel and what they should do to be a decent human being next time. Then, let them go.
3. Never Contact Them Again
Don’t call out your ghost expecting to get a response back. If you’ve reached the point of calling out a person who ghosted you, it means you have no expectation or desire to ever see them again. Don’t bother doing the call out if it’s going to cause you emotional distress or lead you to obsessively check your phone. You should call out your ghost because you want to leave them behind and rid the world of one more phantom.
And once you have, that’s it — no more texts, . In fact, you should delete your ghost from your phone and all social media completely. Otherwise, you might find yourself being haunted by a poltergeist.
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